13 Howls: Forgiveness

[coyote_walking]

Samuel...

I really wish you were here. Not that I want you stuck here too, but I wish could tell you I understand what you did - why you did what you did.

And to let you know that I forgive you and that I hope I didn't hurt you too badly by running instead of staying to explain.

I hope that you forgive yourself as well.


Wow... don't know why that's so strong in my head right now. Probably a curse, but well, I do mean it. And I'd give anything to be able to tell him.

Comments

[prodigalvampire]

Sounds heavy.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Thomas, hey.

Yeah. I guess it is.

It was certainly life changing.

[prodigalvampire]

Most of the big stuff is.

Wanna talk about it?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

You sure you want to hear?

I could... It would probably be helpful for me to hear someone else's thoughts on it.

[prodigalvampire]

I've been told I suck as a sounding board, but shoot.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I was 16, living in a werewolf clan. I'd been on my own for two years, since my foster parents died, and I... I fell in love with Samuel.

His father, the Marrock, the head of all the werewolf clans, caught us kissing in the woods one night and told me I had to go, that he was sending me back to my mother.

Samuel said we should run away together.

[prodigalvampire]

Did you?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

No.

Bran caught me. Samuel's father.

He explained that Samuel was a lot older than I thought. Werewolves can live for, well, hundreds of years if they're smart. He'd had a couple of families before, but all of his children had died. Or his wives had died.

You see, a female werewolf can't have children because they have to change at the full moon. And that's too hard on the fetus.

But I don't have to change. I went three years without changing once when I was trying to pass among the humans. Samuel... he wanted me because he believed I could give him children. He never actually loved me. He just knew how to make me fall for him.

So, I... ran away without him. Back to my mother's. Found out she had a new family and kids I knew nothing about.

I loved him, but I also couldn't forgive him for a long time.

[prodigalvampire]

That sort of betrayal is a lot to try to get over. I get that.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I feel guilty about it, too.

Shortly before I came here I, well, Samuel came back into my life. I hadn't seen him in 16 years. And Bran told me that he'd been wrong in a way.

When I left, Samuel was lost. Suicidal. He left the pack for a long time.

It might not have been the love I'd thought it was, but it wasn't just mercenary either.

[prodigalvampire]

We can be pretty stupid.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

We? You mean men?

[prodigalvampire]

Yes, Men.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

I'm sure Samuel knows you forgive him. He came to you for help, didn't he?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

He came because the Marrock sent him to help with Adam.

He stayed to make me crazy. And I think to try and get me back.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

And because it makes him happy. To be around you.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I guess.

Not sure how happy I've made him, though.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

Happy enough to keep going.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Don't know how I would have lived with myself if he... you know.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

It wouldn't have been your fault if he did.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

It would have felt like it was.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

Sometimes people make choices....

You just have to do the best you can for them and hope it's enough.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Speaking from experience?

[justashow.livejournal.com]

Perhaps.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I'm trying - was trying - back home.