coyote_walking | 48 Howls: So hungry...

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48 Howls: So hungry...

Guess I'm making up for all those days I barely ate a thing. Today I'm just starving. Everything tastes so good and I just can't seem to get enough.

And I have this craving for jelly donuts. Weird, right?

I'm heading out to get some if anybody needs anything from the bakery.

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Mercy...I'll understand if you don't want to talk, but I just wanted to apologize for, well, everything. I haven't been open with you, I've made a lot of assumptions about you and about us, and I understand that it's all added up to too much to fix anything, and....I'm not really certain I would want to if the opportunity presented itself, but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate all you tried to do for me, I regret not being able to accept the help when it was offered, and I wanted you to know that I see how much of a jerk I was while we were together.

You're an incredible person and you deserve so much more than I was able to give you. You deserve someone who can respect your opinion, no matter what it may be, you deserve someone who's able to open their heart up to you. I wish I could have been that person, but I was too absorbed in my own head. I've realized a lot recently, one of the most apparent things being how unlike myself I've been these last several months. I hope you don't hate me, but I'd understand if you did.

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough. Enjoy your donuts.

Edited 2010-02-16 19:31 (UTC)

I don't hate you, Thomas. I could never hate you. I love you and a part of me probably always will. ~~I still love Samuel after all.~~

I'm sorry too. I wish I could have been the person you needed. I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be someone you could have - doesn't matter.

I think it was that curse day when you were so happy because the emotions were opposite that I realized just how miserable you were being with me. I don't want you to be or feel that way.

Anyway, thank you and I'm sorry and I hope you find someone you can be happy with.

I understand that, and a part of me will always care about you, also.

I didn't know what I needed anymore than you did, Mercy. I was flying by the seat of my pants, I crashed, hard, and I brought a lot of people down when I fell. Including you. That wasn't fair to you.

It wasn't that I was miserable with you. I was just miserable in general. What I've realized recently is my life isn't really that bad here. I mean, the curses, in general, suck, but I don't have a family breathing down my neck, I don't have people trying to use all my friends against me. Hell, I have friends. I hope I can still count you among them.

I'm sorry you were so unhappy.

And, yeah... I'm sure we'll manage to find a way to be friends.

Again, it wasn't you. It was me. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong.

I'm here for you, Mercy. If you ever need anything, you know my number.

Doesn't have to be my fault. I still wish you could have been happier.

Thanks, Thomas. You know where to find me as well.

I wish I could have been what you needed. Wishes aren't getting us anywhere, though.

I do.

Nope. Never have and never will. I can still wish you well, though, and hope you're happier now.

I am. Happier now, I mean. But it's not because we're not together, though it is part of it. I...I wanted to be there for you, but I couldn't. Not because we're not compatible, but because I can't.....Mercy, I felt like I was cheating...with you. On, Justine. She never had a say in it, and...when I told her about you....the sadness in her eyes...I knew I was right. I was. I was trying to move on, and with all the other stuff that was broken in my head it was a bad idea, obviously, but I was trying nonetheless. I'm sorry I dragged you along for the worst roller-coaster ride the world has ever seen. You didn't deserve it, and I know there isn't really anything I can do or say to change it or make it better, but I just wanted you to know.

[There's a long pause before her next answer and she has to make sure she's completely composed. He is happier, partly because they're not together, he felt like he was cheating with her... She can't think about any of that. Not right now.]

Oh. Okay. Well... thanks for letting me know.

I'm sorry, Mercy.

It's okay, Thomas.

I'm just glad you're happier.

Part of me wishes I'd never tried this. If I hadn't, it would have saved you a lot of trouble. And a lot of heartache.

[Another long pause.]

I'll be fine, Thomas.

I hope so. Please don't give up on my account.

I've pretty much figured out that I'm a failure on relationships, but other than that...

Are you even reading what I'm typing? You. Were. Amazing. I. Used. You.

I am reading.

But here's the thing. Even if you were just using me - which hurts just to think about - and if I'm so amazing, then how come I didn't know? I didn't. Not with you and not with Samuel.

I don't date anyone for ten years and then this?

I appreciate what you're saying and I understand you truly believe what you say, but look at the facts. I'm hopeless at this stuff.

Most people who are being used don't know, especially when the person doing the using didn't know.

I'm sure you're right, Thomas.

I just... I'm still feeling raw.

I know, but you have no reason to hate yourself. I'm not saying I'm right. I'm just saying you blaming yourself doesn't make any sense to me.

I hear you.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

I guess... I guess I'll talk to you later, then.

Edited 2010-02-18 01:42 (UTC)

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48 Howls: So hungry...

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