I went ten years without dating anyone because I couldn't trust them with my secret, couldn't let anyone know what I really was. I couldn't believe I was letting myself get involved with Thomas, that I could let myself trust anyone that much.
I tried not to care about him that much, but you already know I was losing that battle.
I can't - I can't think about that right now. It's just way too raw. If I try to look at what was good I'll break down and I'm trying so hard not to do that.
I'm sorry. I'm not helping much. I had a boyfriend back home, Zack. He screwed me. He came back years later and I let him into my life to have him screw me again. Then there was Richard...I opened every bit of me up to him and he died. I didn't think I'd ever want to trust or open up again. It just didn't work you know? But then there was Brennan and we got married.
Point is...eventually there will be a good one. I know, I'm probably not helping much. Not much will. But it's not your fault.
For me there was Samuel. I fooled around a little in college, but decided quickly that it wasn't worth it when I couldn't ever be me. Then there was Thomas. So, I blew it both times I tried. I think I'm better going back to keeping everyone at arms length.
Do you really want to end up like me? Being suspicious of all people until you get close to them and then trying your hardest not to get close? It's a lot of work.
Thanks. I'm sorry...I shouldn't be talking about the man I'm in love with while you're hurting. I told you I was bad at this. If you want anything to drink or eat please help yourself.
No, no, it's okay, I'm - well, I'm not fine, but I'll be okay. Maybe if you have stuff in the house I'll make brownies or something. Not that I'll be able to eat them, but cooking them soothes me.
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branchandroot
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:00 am (UTC)I went ten years without dating anyone because I couldn't trust them with my secret, couldn't let anyone know what I really was. I couldn't believe I was letting myself get involved with Thomas, that I could let myself trust anyone that much.
And I was wrong to do it, obviously.
How could I trust him - or anyone - again?
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:05 am (UTC)I'm not sure I'm the best person to give any helpful words here, I trust so few people myself. You enjoyed your time with him though right?
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)I can't - I can't think about that right now. It's just way too raw. If I try to look at what was good I'll break down and I'm trying so hard not to do that.
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:13 am (UTC)I'm sorry. I'm not helping much. I had a boyfriend back home, Zack. He screwed me. He came back years later and I let him into my life to have him screw me again. Then there was Richard...I opened every bit of me up to him and he died. I didn't think I'd ever want to trust or open up again. It just didn't work you know? But then there was Brennan and we got married.
Point is...eventually there will be a good one. I know, I'm probably not helping much. Not much will. But it's not your fault.
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:16 am (UTC)For me there was Samuel. I fooled around a little in college, but decided quickly that it wasn't worth it when I couldn't ever be me. Then there was Thomas. So, I blew it both times I tried. I think I'm better going back to keeping everyone at arms length.
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:18 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:19 am (UTC)I don't have to avoid everyone, just refuse to look at them as anything beyond a casual friend.
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:25 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:27 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:28 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:30 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:32 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:33 am (UTC)Damn... I hadn't thought of that. I'm just screwed, aren't I?
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:37 am (UTC)Men suck, that's all there is to it. Anytime they're involved they screw everything up.
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:42 am (UTC)Yeah. And still we don't smarten up.
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:49 am (UTC)We're just not smart in that department.
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:54 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:56 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 01:58 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 02:00 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 02:02 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 02:05 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 02:09 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 02:11 am (UTC)Re: [Private/Unhackable]
Date: Monday, October 26th, 2009 02:15 am (UTC)No, no, it's okay, I'm - well, I'm not fine, but I'll be okay. Maybe if you have stuff in the house I'll make brownies or something. Not that I'll be able to eat them, but cooking them soothes me.
Re: [Private/Unhackable]
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