10 Howls: unsettled

[coyote_walking]

Kyle...

I think...

If anyone needs me, I think I'm just going to stay here in my room today.

Or maybe I'll shift and just run as long and as hard and as far as I can.

I'm a little... unsettled by yesterday.

Comments

[justashow.livejournal.com]

Of course, sweetheart. Are you okay? Need anything?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I just... it hurts.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

What happened?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I was.. somebody else.

No, that's not right. I was me. Just a me who'd made a different choice.

I was married to Sam, pregnant with his child, and...

Kyle? I was so happy. I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life.

And now I'm alone again.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

You always belong somewhere, Mercy. And you're not alone.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I know it's not fair to you to say that, because you're so good to me.

But I've never belonged. Not to the werewolves, not with my mother, not at school, not with the humans. There's no one like me, no place I can just be.

You and Warren were - are - my only real friends.

And back home I had my shop and I could pretend, but...

Yesterday... yesterday I knew what it was like to be loved. For real loved. And to have a place where I was supposed to be.

Today I just hurt.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

Yesterday was a choice you didn't make. Yesterday was an illusion of something that never was.

That's what the City does. But I promise you are loved and you do belong somewhere.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

It's hard, Kyle.

Did I make a mistake running away all those years ago?

But... Thank you.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

Do you think you made a mistake?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

He didn't love me. Not love love me. He wanted me because he thought I could give him healthy children. And he encouraged me to fall in love with him, knowing I wouldn't see the difference then.

Bran was right to warn me.

But when I left... it was more than that. His wolf wanted me too. For a mate.

If staying with him meant I would have ended up as happy as I was yesterday... Maybe I did.

But I guess, honestly, knowing just what I did then... I'd run again.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

You deserve someone who wants for yourself. And who wouldn't trick you to get what he wants.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well. Like that's going to happen.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

I am from your future, you know. You shouldn't say such things.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

You... Really?

I want to ask you so many questions, but I know I can't.

But really? There's someone?

[justashow.livejournal.com]

I'd say sometimes there's a few too many someones, but yes.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Too many someones?

But it's good to know I'll belong somewhere eventually.

Thank you.

[justashow.livejournal.com]

You belong somewhere now. You'll just realize it later.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That makes me feel a little more at peace.

[ex-rogueinte76.livejournal.com]

Everything okay?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Yesterday was...

It made me reconsider some decisions I've made.

[ex-rogueinte76.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, take it you were cursed then?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I was married and pregnant.

And happy.

Rogue? For the first time ever in my life I wasn't alone. I belonged somewhere.

[ex-rogueinte76.livejournal.com]

Oh my sugar...I'm so sorry. Can't imagine how hard that must have been. How are you handling the after?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Not really well, I'm afraid.

Part of me wants to just hide in my room for a while and another part wants to shift and just run as hard and as far as I can, till I'm too tired to run anymore.

[ex-rogueinte76.livejournal.com]

Is there anything I can do?

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's anything anyone can do.

But thank you. I appreciate your wanting to help.

[ex-rogueinte76.livejournal.com]

No, wouldn't think there would be. I know I couldn't be comforted in any way if it was me.

You're welcome sugar, I know it must be really tough.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I just... if I hadn't run away when I was 16?

I could have all that now for real.

[ex-rogueinte76.livejournal.com]

There are millions of if I hadn't's in life dwelling on them only brings pain.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I know.

I just... need some time to let it go.

[ex-rogueinte76.livejournal.com]

I get it, I'd be the same way if it'd been me. Let me know if I can do something.

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I will.