46 Howls; Not fun times

[coyote_walking]

This had to be one of the worst weekends of my life. Just when I thought maybe things were heading the right way... it all got pulled out from under me.

Don't know why I should be surprised. I've never been enough for anyone.

Private to Thomas


I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I just wanted to say that I know I didn't handle things well yesterday and I'm sorry. I... I get that you've discovered sipping isn't enough, even though you wish it was. I get that feeding on other people helps you and heaven knows I don't want you to suffer. I don't. I love you. I want what's best for you.

I just... to me, you having sex with other people when we're together is cheating. I know you don't see it that way, I know to you sex doesn't mean anything and I can't fault you for that. We're just very different that way.

But for me... I was celibate for ten years before I met you. I didn't sleep with you till I was sure I loved you, I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't love you and trust you. I... hell, I let a demon touch me because I loved and trusted you so much.

I guess... we'd talked about my... hangups or whatever you want to call them and you assured me on a couple of occasions that you wouldn't have sex with anyone else, that I and the sipping was enough and that you understood that to me if you were having sex with others it was going to feel like cheating and that was the one thing out of this whole messed up situation that I just wouldn't be able to take.

So when you told me that, even though you knew what it would mean to me, that you were having sex with others to feed... It was like a knife through my heart and I just didn't react well.

I love you. That's not going to change, even though I wish it could. But I can't be involved with someone who's sleeping with other people too. I wish I could.

How sad is that, that I wish I could change my moral compass just for you? But if I could I would.

I know I said I couldn't be in your life, but I didn't mean it. Not like that. Just that... I can't be with you. And for right now it just hurts so much that someone I trusted and stood up for and put so many of my friendships at risk to defend you because I loved you, would do this to me, even knowing how much it would hurt me....

I just wish I was enough for you.

But I guess I've never been enough for anyone, so I don't know why I thought this would be different.

I'm sorry. Guess I'm just a failure all around.

I totally understand if you don't reply to this or ever speak to me again. I just had to say it.


End private to Thomas

Comments

[Private | Unhackable]

[alittlewild.livejournal.com]

This isn't my buisness, so tell me to shut up if that's what you want. But first off, are you okay? And second...you do understand why Thomas...feeds right?

Re: [Private | Unhackable]

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I'm... I'm okay.

And yes, yes, I do. He needs to feed to keep the demon in control and so that he can live. There's... there's other circumstances, Shal, Shalimar, I mean - something he'd promised me. That's what hurts so much.

Actually, no, I take that back. I'm not okay. Not at all.

Re: [Private | Unhackable]

[alittlewild.livejournal.com]

This isn't my place to tell...fuck it.

He has nightmares. About what the Skinwalker did to him. If he feeds fully...he doesn't have them as much. If he doesn't, they come back. I can understand you not wanting to be "with" him...I can. We have different views on sex and things like that.

But similar views on trust, it'd hurt me if someone promised me and then they broke that promise. It's a betrayal and it hurts. I'm sorry things came to all of this. And that I...distanced myself from you and that I've been a really crappy friend.

But he does need friends...it's not that you're not enough. It's that he's broken.

Re: [Private | Unhackable]

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Damn. He never told me that. The first I even heard about any nightmares was in the middle of things the other day and I was in such shock...

Damn.

I didn't know. He could have kept feeding on me - except he didn't want to.

Damn.

The horrible thing is that still, even knowing that... I... I just can't see his having sex with other people as something I can live with. I wish I could. I really do.

And he promised me, Shalimar, it was the only thing I asked, that he not do that and he said he wouldn't and... damn, it hurts. Even though I understand.

Things have just been so messed up. I know I said hurtful things to you and I'm so sorry. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around me.

I'm glad he has you and Tara and Harry. Maybe someday he and I can even be friends too. But about the other... I don't know. If I was enough... he'd believe I'm not addicted and that he could - ah, doesn't matter. I just wish I could find some way to help him.

Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

I didn't even....You said you didn't want to see me. How does that mean we're together? Now, if I can't have sex with other people when we're not even a unit, I don't think the problem's with me.

I'm glad you understand. Thanks for that. I don't think you really do.

Re: [Private | Unhackable]

[alittlewild.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure you do understand. I guess it's not really something you can, unless you've been there. You had to have known he was missed up, you said yourself that his psyche was broken.

But what I don't understand is, didn't he start having to feed like that again, after you two weren't really together anymore? He didn't have you to feed from anymore, sipping wasn't good enough, he had to do something. I don't like it myself, hell he doesn't' like it. But it's what he is.

I'm sure I wasn't too nice either. Nicer than I usually am when I'm unhappy with someone but I'm not a nice person in general. I shut down when I'm hurt.

You can't help him, you broke him more. You're hurt too though, so it's not like it's only him that's in pain. I should have pushed more, I've known there's something wrong with him for a while but I've maintained that it's his choice to talk about it or not.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I guess I thought... we were taking a break, spending some time apart. I didn't know you considered us broken up. If you did then I apologize. You certainly had the right to sleep with anyone you wanted in that case.

I'm trying to understand.

Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

I wish I could see sex the way you do. To me...if I were to treat sex the way you do, it would be like fasting, only I wouldn't get any deep, religious reward out of it. I'd just get insane.

More than I already am.

Re: [Private | Unhackable]

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

He'd told me sipping was enough. He never told me that changed. And now he says he thought we were completely broken up so, well, in that case, yeah, he was free to sleep with anyone he wanted to. I just didn't know he felt we were over then. That may actually hurt nearly as much - that he thought we were over when I thought we were trying to put things back together.

Doesn't matter. I guess right now I kind of feel like I've been asked to make decisions that affect mine and others lives and I've tried the best I know how and when everything goes up in flames I find out that it went so bad because the truly important stuff I had to know to make those decision was being hidden from me.

I've known something was wrong too and I'd push till he talked and he'd seem to open up and be better, but now it turns out that really he still didn't tell me the important things - the stuff I needed to know. But I guess that's just me being too stupid to see.

I tried really hard, Shalimar, I was always honest with him - even when he didn't believe me. And I took his lack of trust and accepted it because I understood. I certainly didn't want to hurt him more.

Unfortunately, it's all moot.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I wish you'd told me before that sipping wasn't enough. Instead of letting me think that sipping and me was all you needed. I guess you probably tried to make it enough, but maybe if I'd known we could have tried to find a way.

But I didn't know.

I wish I could see sex the way you do.

Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

Sipping and you was fine, then you were gone, and I had to do something. If I don't....I don't want to think about what happens when I don't.

I don't. I'm glad you don't. You wouldn't be Mercy if you did.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Why didn't you tell me? I thought you said you didn't want to feed off me? I would have let you if I'd known.

Yeah, but maybe things could be different if I could.

Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

I didn't, Mercy. I don't, but I...I'm so scared...

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

Scared of what, Thomas? I can't do anything to help if I don't know what's really going on.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

When I ... when I haven't fed in a couple days, I have....the nightmares, they come back. Sometimes I sleep with the lights on. So...when I wake up....I know I'm not in a cave. Waiting...

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

The cave? I don't understand. And why didn't you ever tell me you had nightmares? Thomas... I could have done something. I could have been there for you.

Why is this the first I heard of all of this, hon?

Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

I thought it'd go away if I just, I don't know, tried to ignore it.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

And now look where it's gotten us both.

What do you always tell Shal?

Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

I know, I know.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I wish I'd known. I wish I could have helped. I would have you know.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

How? I don't know how....

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I could have been there when you were scared. I would have dropped everything and come over. I had no idea that nights when we weren't together...

I'd rather have been with you than apart, but I tried not to push because I knew you didn't want to feed on me so much. Even though I knew it wasn't a problem you believed it was and... I didn't know you were hurting yourself to save me from something I didn't need to be saved from. You told me what we did and the sipping was enough.

Even if we didn't have sex, I could have been there, held you so that you weren't alone, talked to you about it, maybe helped you get over some of it. I would have done anything I could, tried anything, and maybe, just maybe something would have helped.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

It doesn't matter anymore.

Re: Private // Unhackable

[coyote-walking.livejournal.com]

I... I guess not. You can feed off of different people every night now without worrying about me, so the nightmares will stay away.

But you should still talk to someone about it. I mean, you probably don't want to talk to me, but someone. Shal or Harry or Tara. We all love you. We'd all do anything for you.

Private // Unhackable

[prodigalvampire]

....why?