46 Howls; Not fun times
Feb. 8th, 2010 09:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coyote_walkingThis had to be one of the worst weekends of my life. Just when I thought maybe things were heading the right way... it all got pulled out from under me.
Don't know why I should be surprised. I've never been enough for anyone.
Private to Thomas
I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I just wanted to say that I know I didn't handle things well yesterday and I'm sorry. I... I get that you've discovered sipping isn't enough, even though you wish it was. I get that feeding on other people helps you and heaven knows I don't want you to suffer. I don't. I love you. I want what's best for you.
I just... to me, you having sex with other people when we're together is cheating. I know you don't see it that way, I know to you sex doesn't mean anything and I can't fault you for that. We're just very different that way.
But for me... I was celibate for ten years before I met you. I didn't sleep with you till I was sure I loved you, I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't love you and trust you. I... hell, I let a demon touch me because I loved and trusted you so much.
I guess... we'd talked about my... hangups or whatever you want to call them and you assured me on a couple of occasions that you wouldn't have sex with anyone else, that I and the sipping was enough and that you understood that to me if you were having sex with others it was going to feel like cheating and that was the one thing out of this whole messed up situation that I just wouldn't be able to take.
So when you told me that, even though you knew what it would mean to me, that you were having sex with others to feed... It was like a knife through my heart and I just didn't react well.
I love you. That's not going to change, even though I wish it could. But I can't be involved with someone who's sleeping with other people too. I wish I could.
How sad is that, that I wish I could change my moral compass just for you? But if I could I would.
I know I said I couldn't be in your life, but I didn't mean it. Not like that. Just that... I can't be with you. And for right now it just hurts so much that someone I trusted and stood up for and put so many of my friendships at risk to defend you because I loved you, would do this to me, even knowing how much it would hurt me....
I just wish I was enough for you.
But I guess I've never been enough for anyone, so I don't know why I thought this would be different.
I'm sorry. Guess I'm just a failure all around.
I totally understand if you don't reply to this or ever speak to me again. I just had to say it.
End private to Thomas
Don't know why I should be surprised. I've never been enough for anyone.
Private to Thomas
I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I just wanted to say that I know I didn't handle things well yesterday and I'm sorry. I... I get that you've discovered sipping isn't enough, even though you wish it was. I get that feeding on other people helps you and heaven knows I don't want you to suffer. I don't. I love you. I want what's best for you.
I just... to me, you having sex with other people when we're together is cheating. I know you don't see it that way, I know to you sex doesn't mean anything and I can't fault you for that. We're just very different that way.
But for me... I was celibate for ten years before I met you. I didn't sleep with you till I was sure I loved you, I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't love you and trust you. I... hell, I let a demon touch me because I loved and trusted you so much.
I guess... we'd talked about my... hangups or whatever you want to call them and you assured me on a couple of occasions that you wouldn't have sex with anyone else, that I and the sipping was enough and that you understood that to me if you were having sex with others it was going to feel like cheating and that was the one thing out of this whole messed up situation that I just wouldn't be able to take.
So when you told me that, even though you knew what it would mean to me, that you were having sex with others to feed... It was like a knife through my heart and I just didn't react well.
I love you. That's not going to change, even though I wish it could. But I can't be involved with someone who's sleeping with other people too. I wish I could.
How sad is that, that I wish I could change my moral compass just for you? But if I could I would.
I know I said I couldn't be in your life, but I didn't mean it. Not like that. Just that... I can't be with you. And for right now it just hurts so much that someone I trusted and stood up for and put so many of my friendships at risk to defend you because I loved you, would do this to me, even knowing how much it would hurt me....
I just wish I was enough for you.
But I guess I've never been enough for anyone, so I don't know why I thought this would be different.
I'm sorry. Guess I'm just a failure all around.
I totally understand if you don't reply to this or ever speak to me again. I just had to say it.
End private to Thomas
