coyote_walking | 26 Howls: Antsy

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26 Howls: Antsy

House people? Anyone have anything they need me to do for them or get for them? I'm all antsy for some reason. Even cleaned my bedroom, so Kyle can attest to said nervous energy.

Maybe it's just all the craziness in the City lately. Everyone seems to be on edge and a little short-tempered and just everywhere I go I can smell the tension.

Wonder if things would be better out in the woods or way down the beach. Or maybe I should just shift and run it out.

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We weren't in love by a long shot. But caring more about each other well whatever. It's over now.

I know about that...that's gotta make things difficult.

I'm sorry. You seemed happy with him.

Yeah. Scary. To get closer and closer to someone and be afraid you're falling for him and know you can't.

I'm fine.

Not a fun situation at all.

Oh well. Such is my life, you know?

Trust me I know. I've loved someone before, it's not all that fun.

So have I.

I think it kind of sucks.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just kind of a closet hopeless romantic, but...

I don't.

I can't allow myself to be that. Richard...the man I loved, he died. Because of me.

The guy I loved... that I maybe still love...

I ran away when I found out he didn't really love me, that he just wanted me because I could give him children. And then... he got lost. Nearly killed himself because he and his wolf didn't know how to go on without me.

But you still believe in love?

Yeah.

Especially since I understand why he did it. He's from... well... he's at least a few centuries old, from a time when women married very young. Werewolves, female werewolves, can't have children and all his family died. He saw me as a chance to have what he so desperately wanted. And he did care for me, love me in his own way...

He's back home now. Waiting for me to make a decision about him or Adam. And I'm more than half in love with both of them.

Oh, Shal, maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I've just always wanted so desperately to belong to someone, to have true family who knew what I was and wanted me anyway... I have to believe.

Sounds like a really horrible situation.

It's not stupid, I think almost everyone has that desire. To have a family and just be happy.

I never imagined I'd see him again. Then... things happened and now he's living in my spare bedroom and Adam's in the house behind me and they're both courting me and snarling at each other and... And I can't decide.

Yeah. I've never belonged anywhere. I don't dwell on it much, but every now and then it comes up and I just... wish I did, you know?

Are they similar in personality or very different?

I understand. I didn't until Adam and the others.

Samuel... he's... he's calm and patient and happy generally. Plays music and sings beautifully. Adam's much more a type A personality. Determined, strong, protective - not that Samuel isn't protective - but kind, too, and secure enough to let me help without shoving me to the side because I'm female or not a werewolf.

Weird, huh?

Sounds like they both have good and bad traits.

Yeah. But I'm glad I got them, they were a lot better than my real family ever was to me.

Yeah. They do. Makes them more real. And my decision a lot harder.

My real family... my mom... she just didn't know what to do with me. She was an unmarried pregnant teenager and when her baby started turning into a coyote pup in the crib...

Anyway, she always stayed in touch, came to visit every summer. Of course, she also had a whole other family I didn't know about until I turned up on her doorstep when I was 16. They didn't know I existed either till then Still they were very good to me. I just never belonged.

Yeah....I was worried about having to make a choice like that here. But now I don't.

Sounds rough, but at least they were good to you. But it's still hard to get comfortable with people when you don't feel like you belong.

My father thought I was something that needed to be fixed, not like my mother put up an argument though.

Between James and Brennan, you mean? That would be hard.

Yeah, they're great people, really. I just... I can't be who I am around them They'd all rather pretend I'm normal.

I'm sorry to hear that. My father died before he even knew my mother was pregnant.

They're both very different. Brennan takes care of me no matter what. Kirk had a strange way of being there but letting me keep up that "I'm strong" appearance. Brennan's somewhat childish, Kirk's a bit more mature. But they are ...very similar too.

I know how that goes. That's what my father wanted from me. To be normal. So he had me committed.

Huh... interesting.

No. Oh, Shal... That's terrible.

Yeah, odd to think someone protects me from things isn't it?

That's the nice version of the story. I'll spare you the full version. Could have been worse. Do you still see your mom and her family back home?

Yeah. Funny. In some ways I hate people always watching out for me as if I'm not capable of doing it myself. On the other hand... it's a nice feeling that they care enough to want to.

I do. But as infrequently as possible. They're great, but I really got my fill of all that overwhelming family togetherness.

Trust me it's as annoying as hell to have him follow me when I run off or argue about how a mission's too dangerous for me to do alone. But he's always the one I've depended on so I've gotten used to it...

I could imagine that could be overwhelming.

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