coyote_walking | 42 Howls: Desperately Seeking Thomas

Entry tags:

freaking out,
where

42 Howls: Desperately Seeking Thomas

Has anyone seen or heard from Thomas?

He hasn't answered any of my calls or contacted me and I'm starting to get a little freaked out.

Where are you? What's going on? You've got me all panicked here. I even checked to see if your picture was with those who've gone home.

Come on. I even signed up to do that damned show because you said it would be fun to do together.

Call me, text me, stop by, something!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He didn't, the demon did. That's what the demon does. That's the way it works unless he fights it back. That's why he hates it so much.

Really I had no idea that the demon was the one that did those things. Wait, yes I did. It was still Thomas that chose to let go. He took responsibility for it though.

Of course it was and of course he did. There's no way in hell I'd be with him if he hadn't taken responsibility and taken steps to try and make sure it never ever happens again.

Did he mention the bit about how terribly he'd been tortured and how destroyed his mind and psyche were when he did it? No. He takes full responsibility - as he should - refuses to consider any mitigating factors, doesn't think that the fact that a creature came and ripped his soul and life force from him excruciatingly painfully four times as a punishment changes anything at all.

All of which is part of why I care for him so much. He could easily say he was semi-insane at the time and that the punishment more than fit the crime. He doesn't.

I just wish he didn't see himself only as a monster when the subject gets brought up. It's thinking he's only a monster and there was no point in trying to be anything else that got him to the point where he let the demon go.

Actually yeah he has told me about how he had his mind screwed with and has been tortured. Don't lecture me about him Mercy. The reason we're not talking doesn't have anything to do with him and what he did, it's about me being afraid.

I'm not saying it does. I'm saying I'm not stupid and I'm in this with my eyes open and I'm just really damn frustrated at all this coming up again.

And what are the odds that HE believes the reason you're not talking is you being afraid rather than you being horrified at what a monster he is? Not too high, I'd bet.

I told him that's what I was feeling so I think he knows. He should also know why I'm frightened of him.

Well, that's something anyway.

I'm working on separating him from Ashlocke.

He is nothing like that evil being. Nothing.

No he's not...but that doesn't mean that Thomas didn't bring back those memories for me. Because what he did is pretty damn similar to what Ashlocke did.

Bringing back memories, sure, but if you can't see the difference between the two of them...

This isn't your buisness anyway. He's probably not speaking to you because he's upset there you go.

Shal... you're a great person, but sometimes...

What sometimes I'm a bitch because I don't like to discuss the fact that Ashlocke did more to me than I tell people? Or sometimes I'm a bitch because I've upset Thomas because I didn't realize he was fully capable of doing something exactly like what Ashlocke did to me? Next time I'm reminded of going through a fucking year of some man who tried over and over again to convince me that we were made for each other, some man who appeared to me in my room, in my home, over and over again. Who controlled me and made me hurt people I loved and who made me want him, made me sleep with him, made me chose him over my family. Next time I'm reminded of all that I'll try to not freak out.

I never asked for details. I have never pressed you for details about your life. Not once.

But you start talking about the man I love as if he's the same as that evil man and think I'm just going to sit back and go, oh, yeah, that's fine and not point out the differences, then you don't know me at all.

I'm sorry for what you went through, I feel for you, I get that your conversation brought up horrible memories, but some things I'm not gonna let slide.

You said that you get he's different, fine, enough said on that topic.

I don't need differences pointed out to me. Certainly not from someone that doesn't even know the full story.

You know, Shal, you tell people things as if that is the whole story and then when you get called on it you fall back on that 'but you don't know...' thing.

You can't hide things and then be pissed that people somehow don't know about them and take them into account.

And you certainly sounded as if you couldn't separate them.

You aren't the only one here who's territorial and protective.

Thomas is one of my best friends and I trust him, to me he's like pack like family. You're not calling me on anything, I purposely didn't tell you the full story. I do that a lot, with everyone. Usually people have the good sense to realize it's because it's none of their fucking buisness. It was between he and I. And Brennan and Kirk.

Whatever, Shal. You're always right.

Enjoy your righteousness. How's it working for you so far?

Enjoying putting words in my mouth, assuming you know what you're talking about, and judging me? Working well for you? Everything you've said has been an assumption. I never said "I think Thomas is exactly the same as Ashlocke, he really is a monster and I know he'd do that to me." I said the conversation we had hit me hard and we hadn't spoken. And I'm not the only person you know that doesn't tell the full story.

Oh, believe me, I know that.

Sometimes there are things people can't talk about, things they don't know how to or that hurt too badly. But they still want to give someone something, so they're not left in total darkness. Evidently it just makes things worse.

Such is life, I guess.

I give up.

Me too.

I'm going to go clean. It's that or take apart everything I own.

42 Howls: Desperately Seeking Thomas

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