coyote_walking | 34 Howls: [Accidental video]

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after the curse

34 Howls: [Accidental video]

Mercy's clearly inanimate body was laid out on Thomas' bed where it had been since he'd brought it there Monday night. He'd cleaned it up and placed it in a place she'd recognize when she woke up.

If she woke up.

The camera was focused on the body for nearly a minute before there was a sudden startling gasp for breath and Mercy sat bolt upright with a cry, scrabbling backwards on the bed and grasping at her chest where she'd been shot.

"THOMAS!"

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I have learned that I should never speak about my feelings again. It went pretty badly.

Oh no. I'm sorry.

Not badly in the way you're probably thinking. I just kept messing things up and having to try to explain what I really meant. Then he'd get angry because I kept saying I didn't want to feel this way.

...I think he really cares about me.

So... you had trouble expressing yourself, but it actually went well?

Yes. We argued a lot but...I guess it went well. He wasn't freaked out...he seemed happy.

Then I'm really glad for you.

I don't know what I am. At least he's just as freaked out by his own feelings as I am.

That's something at least.

Who knows maybe one day I'll work up to getting what he actually see's in having a relationship with me.

Maybe one day you'll be able to see what so many of us see.

I don't think that I'm a bad person to have as a friend. I'm just not meant for relationships with men.

Just a more intense form of friendship.

That's what I thought, that's what I wanted. But somehow I end up feeling more exposed with him than with other friends. That doesn't even make sense.

Funny how that happens and suddenly you're there all exposed and vulnerable and scared.

I work hard to keep my walls up. Emma always thought it was stupid of me and that it just caused me more pain in the long run. Brennan and Jess got in all the way, but not because I wanted them to.

I never wanted to fall for Thomas. Or anyone really.

But I did.

Do you just accept the feeling of being vulnerable?

Sort of, yeah.

You know, with this whole mess... It was horrible and terrifying and miserable and then when he told me he loved me and then said he didn't want to be without me... It was even worse.

And then I said I wanted to try and... It was like making this huge leap. And I still feel scared and vulnerable, but somehow, when I'm with him... I just feel good and safe and loved and like I belong somewhere - with him.

Guess that makes it worth it.

I guess we'll see.

I hope the will see turns out good.

I think I should just give up and do something stupid to ruin things. Or I could just pretend to hate him. Think that would work?

Me too.

Don't, Shal. Give it a little time. See what happens.

I know I should. I hate him, it was his stupid idea in the first place. Not that he thought this would happen. Men. They shouldn't be allowed to have ideas.

And still we stay with them anyway.

Let it ride, Shal. Let it play out.

Here's hoping.

Re: Private

coyote-walking.livejournal.com - 2009-11-28 04:33 (UTC) - Expand

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